1-22-11 Saturday

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This isn't a diary or a diary entry, just so you know. I'm just writing all of this down because, well, I don't know who I can tell this right now.

Earlier today I was thinking about anything and everything, but eventually it all ended with me thinking about Sage. Why do most of my thoughts end with him? Well.... for one, he's one of my few best friend. I've lived with him in the same dorm room for nearly four years. I knew a lot of his habits. The more I thought about it, the more it came clear. And it appeared that I had been lying to myself for a good amount of years. Well, damn. It's kinda awkward when you realize you like your best friend more than you really should.

So, yeah. I figured out that I'm secretly bisexual. Not that it's a bad thing; it's just..... I've confused myself. I highly doubt I'd be able to bring myself to ever admit it to Sage, or Sarafina, or Chicago, but eventually I'll have to tell them. They deserve to know, yeah? It's really only a matter of time before I figure things out further and it becomes somewhat more awkward. How would they take it, though? I'm especially worried about telling Sage. It's not everyday that you guy friend comes out of the closet and tells you that he likes the same gender alongside the other. But... friends don't turn on each other just because they happen to have a different sexual orientation, do they? I sure hoped not. It'd really suck to lose a friend just because of that.


That's pretty much it. I only wrote this because I don't know who to tell. I just needed to get it off my chest.

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Again, this is not a diary or a diary entry. I can't find Sage, so I'm going to have to vent by writing. Again.


Yesterday I told Sage that I was bi. At first I thought he was starting to think differently of me because of it, but he didn't, and thank God about that. He really has no idea how terrified I was to tell him that. And then Chicago came to IM and everything was fine. But then I decided to tell her my secret 'cause she's also one of my best friends, so I thought she deserved to know. Besides, it's not a very good thing to keep secrets because eventually it'll be discovered.

I really wish I hadn't told her.

She was... shocked, that's for sure. She also went silent for a very long time and I didn't like that. She also said that she was glad that I told her, but..... I hadn't thought that she'd be so shocked. I had had a moment of confidence in myself, and look where it got me: a stalemate with someone I really liked. Believe me, I really liked Chicago. She's extremely beautiful, very effervescent and out-going -- basically everything I wasn't. And I like her for it. But now it feels like there's a void between us. Damn it..... it's karma at work. I guess the universe is against bi people and wants them to choose male or female.


I really hate this. I wish I had never told her.



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[/url] kinda reminds me of the situation[/s] so I wrote this. :3 It's not good because I only had like... three minutes to write it. xD And Semp currently doesn't know half the stuff I made him write in this, soo... ja. x3 ))

2-9-11 Wednesday.

The other day I had some alone time with Chicago. Don't get me wrong, I loved it - there's hardly any time for us to just sit and talk anymore. But something seemed to be on her mind, making her look a bit distant. Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be bothering her in a bad way, so I didn't feel that I should ask what it was and I didn't.

There's also this new guy at school - a new senior - and he's been spending time with her recently. A lot of time.... it took me a while to make a connection, and once I did, it honestly devastated me. I don't want to seem clingy or anything, but it just tore me apart to realize how much she liked Kaleb. Of course I still love her, but I guess I just wasn't good enough for her. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go, so I guess that this is one of those moments. I want her to be happy, so if it means letting her be with him, then so be it. It's not like I could stop her, really; I'm not the controlling type. I was taught to respect and keep my mouth shut, so all I could really do is hope that this Kaleb didn't hurt her.

I hope everything goes well between them...



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Last night, while I was talking with Sage over the school's IM thing, I got an email from Raphael. I've known Raphael since.... since I was about three, or so. He's always been basically dad's right hand man; very trustworthy, very honest, very hard working. I think he had about three daughters and a wife, and he was the only one that helped me when the other slaughter house employees pinned me down and branded me. So when all the other workers got fired, all we had was Raphael. He and his family had also crossed the border illegally, but to escape religious persecutions, I think was the reason. My dad and I never told anyone that small fact; even though I don't think you're really supposed to employ illegal immigrants, we kept and housed him and his family, so they were basically my relatives. We took care of them and vice versa.

So when I got that email from him, I knew he wasn't lying. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew it was true. My dad was dead. Al Souix Capone no longer existed. Damn, I broke down like a rickety shack on stilts.

My dad was my best friend in Del Rio. We did everything together: worked in the slaughter house, went hunting, fishing, the occasional trip, and he even took me flying once. I loved him -- I looked up to him -- even though he did keep my mother a secret, I know it was only for my own good. He taught me everything I know about anything, and if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here in Richmond. We both worked our asses off to scrounge up enough money for the plane ticket alone and the tuition and what-not is a completely different story.

Dad supported me with anything I was going after. And now..... he's gone. No longer breathing, no longer looking, no longer smelling the morning aroma of the wildflowers in the field outside the ratty and small cabin we called home. I don't know why God called him home so early.

Now... the fucking bastard that murdered my dad. This man -- Cornelious Frank -- has always been storming up to our house at like, three in the morning, banging on the door -- drunk as a dog, too, I might add -- and yelling in our faces about how the land our livestock was on "belonged to his ancestors and therefore belongs to him, Cornelious Frank". My dad always managed to talk the guy out of his ranting and raving, sending him staggering home. But from what Raphael told me, this time Cornelious came in the afternoon, armed with a shotgun, and claimed that he now had the law on his side. My dad, of course, tried talking him out of it, but Cornelious shot him point blank in the chest. Raphael didn't go into much detail after that other than he tackled Cornelious and basically tied him up like cattle roping and kicked the gun away before going to my father. Of course, with everyone's dying breath they need to say something, and Raphael was only able to hear just two words:

"Tell Semper.... tell Semper--...."

That's all he managed to hear, I think, before Dad died.... no one even had time to call an ambulance, but in all seriousness, it would take an ambulance a good fifteen minutes or so to even get to our dirt driveway, then another five or so minutes to weave around the mountain to our house. From what I was told, it took the sheriff about twenty minutes to get there and arrest Cornelious. By then, of course, my dad was long gone.

The hatred I feel right now towards Cornelious Frank.... fucking hell, I'd go shoot him point blank in the face if I could. But the funny thing is, when I was at church today, the Gospel, I think that was the one, was about loving your enemies and not just those people that are easy to love. It was like Matthew or God knew that I'd be there, right then after that situation, needing guidance -- sure enough, I broke down in the middle of mass knew what I had to do: I had to forgive Cornelious Frank and not hold a grudge.

Ohhhh boyyy. I don't think I can ever forgive that man for what he did. It's only human nature to be angry, right? At least it was solidified in my brain that I wasn't going to go and murder that guy, despite how much I wanted to. This was going to be hell in itself if I was to just forgive -- I certainly could not forget my dad.

So of course I told Sage, since I was already talking to him, and I cried in front of him though I really tried not to. I don't like crying in front of friends -- to me it feels like a sign of weakness, but it's also bad to keep things bottled up inside for years or longer, so I figure it's okay to cry when you're alone.

Raphael had also mentioned that the funeral had been set for March 5th -- three days after my nineteenth birthday.

Happy fucking birthday, Semper Reijnder Capone. Happy fucking birthday.

A part time job at the auto shop doesn't pay great, so given my financial situation, getting a plane ticket would be like trying to stop the controversy of whether a tomato is a vegetable or a fruit. And gas money is already $3.05 a gallon, so scraping up enough money for a four day cross country trip is just as impossible as getting a plane ticket. I highly doubt I could focus clearly for a four day drive anyway. Luckily I have the best friends on earth here at Richmond; Sage said that he'd be willing to drive me all the way to Del Rio and back. If it weren't for Sage, I probably would've just tried walking. I knew there was a reason Sage was one of my best friends.

And Chicago -- I texted her earlier asking if I could talk to her about this whole situation but she hasn't replied yet. I need/want to tell her a) so she knows where the hell Sage and I will be for five or so days, and b) she can have a chance to voice her opinion of our cross country trip or do whatever she wants about it. There's this crazy part of me that wishes she could come with us, but why would she want to come on this whole trip if it's only going to lead to depression and a funeral and more depression? Yeah, I doubt it, so I don't know. At the moment all I want to do is just tell her and vent. Of course I don't want to end up breaking down in front of her too, but right now I'm so torn up on the inside that I wouldn't be surprised if I had an emotional breakdown the moment I said hello. I'll just have to wait and find out, though.




I love you Dad.



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I was thinking the other day about what Kaleb had told me: You're really fucked up, Semper. He was gonna fuck your best friend and then get what he wants and dump her. Wow, you really don't deserve Chicago. I had never said that I even deserved her in the first place so I don't know what brought around that thought to his mind, but the more I reflected on it, I was starting to believe it. Again, not the whole "deserving" thing, but the whole "don't stand a chance" thing. Oh, and then I fucked things up with Kaleb and caused him and Chicago's breakup. Wow, way to go, Semp, you dumb bastard. (Technically, though, I am a bastard. Dad and Demeter never married so I was born out of wedlock and, therefore, am a bastard child.)

I don't think I've ever seen Chicago more happy than whenever she was still with Kaleb and whenever she's with Sage. I don't know what it is but she was just.... happy.... I can't ever make her feel like that. The only time I remember right now when I made her smile was when I gave her that swan I carved.

Not only that, but she's off with a new guy just about every day, it seems. I know I'm not in the position to say anything since there's nothing more than a friendship between us, but it hurts to see her off and being all Aphrodite-y with guys.

Don't let yourself think that I'm being selfish -- if I was, I would've flat-out told her my thoughts a long time ago. Instead, I've kept them to myself and tried to not let anyone see that I was hurting, but of course, keeping things bottled up for long periods of time is awful for you and eventually you're going to crack. But like I told Sage, sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go.

I still love her, and even though I highly doubt she'll ever feel the same way, I guess I'll just have to sit on the sidelines and just be there for whenever I'm needed. I'm really starting to believe that the world hates bisexual people.... no wonder Chicago didn't like it when I told her.

Why have a half-blind, abnormally tall hick that can't do shit when there's plenty of hot, sexy men out there who are a helluva lot smarter? I swear that the Aphrodites will be the end of me.... maybe I should start drinking again, that always makes me feel better..... I gave that up for her, though, which is the only reason I've been able to stay sober for so long. Now I'm not so sure it was worth it if all I have to look forward to now is depression and a little bit of regret. Yeah, I don't think I was ever meant to "deserve" her. I don't know why the hell I still try anymore.


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It doesn't feel any different to be nineteen. I didn't even do anything for my birthday; not that I would've done anything anyway. So much has been going on that I just don't feel like celebrating. Though I seem happier now, there's still that underlying depression that I doubt will go away anytime soon....

The road trip home was the longest I've ever spent in a car other than when I sometimes drive home by myself. I guess this time it was so long because I was not looking forward to what was waiting for me at the end of the road. I was quiet pretty much the entire way there, only talking whenever Sage or Chicago asked me something or to give directions. That was pretty easy to do, though: just go east for about 2,000 miles or so. But anyway, when we got there, everything seemed so... empty. And dead. No pun intended.

The funeral was as depressing as any other funeral out there. Dad was buried on the edge of the local cemetery, underneath a large dogwood tree. Pretty stupid time to mention it, but the dogwood tree is an archetype with its flowers since it's in a cemetary... flowers represent the brevity of life; birth and death. That's why you see flowers for newborns and at funerals. Different kinds, though.... anyway. Other than Sage, Chicago, myself, a priest, and Raphael and his family, it was a very small funeral. Didn't matter, though; the people that showed up were those most dear to him. Whenever I die, that's how I'd like my funeral: I really only want the people I hold dear to me to attend; other than a priest, of course. And funeral/funeral home workers. But you get my point.

Afterward I went back home and got my dad's shotgun. He used to always take it out onto the front stairs to clean it when he was thinking over any important decision, so I was going to clean it just to clear my head. I swear, that shotgun will never get dirty. Heaven only knows how long I sat there, cleaning that damn thing. I wanted to take it back to Richmond with me, but I highly doubted they'd let me keep it on campus. I'd be graduating soon, so maybe once I graduated I could come back and get it to bring it back there. I need to get a gun permit, though. That's the only obstacle.

Over the next few days, I helped out in the stockyards and slaughterhouse, frequently taking one of the horses or mules I knew and riding along all the trails that branched out from the back of my house, just letting the horse or mule go wherever she/he wanted to. Half the time I walked beside the equine just because I felt like it.

Other than that, nothing really happened. I turned one year older, went home, buried Dad, -- oh, and I handed the business over to Raphael since I can't handle an entire business to save my life, though maybe one day I'll go home and take over it -- then came back to Richmond. Happy week.

Oh, and Chicago has this strange German-sounding sickness. She's not been able to sleep very good for very long and she seems to be just as depressed as I am, which just sucks. I want to help her -- I really do -- but I can't do anything. Just like every other fucking incident, I can't do anything to help. Fucking hell, I'm useless.


I can't think straight long enough to write a decent sentence, so I'm just going to stop right here.

I took this just before leaving Tennessee. Who knows when I'll ever get to go back home.

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On the night before St. Patrick's day, I asked Dream how she thought the best way would be for me to ask out Chicago. She said it'd be best to just ask her straight forward, so that's what I did. I asked her and she said yes. For a moment, my world was on kilter for once. I was actually happy, after everything that had been suddenly thrown at me the past month or so. I thought that maybe I'd actually stand a slim chance after the whole Kaleb episode.

... I was so fucking stupid to believe that.

After I had left, Dream went back and found Chicago kissing/making out/doing something with one of her half brothers. I knew this would happen.... not that she'd go off with someone else, but that I'm not good enough. Hell, before I actually had a flicker of confidence and asked her, I had convinced myself that even thinking about what it'd be like to be with her was a waste of time; "You'll never get the chance, so stop worrying about it. She'll find someone else who'll make her a lot happier than you could ever do. Just forget about it. Your rightful spot is to just be her friend." Of course I'd still be her friend, but.... it seems that every time I have a moment of confidence, someone, somewhere, ends up getting hurt. When I first told Chicago I was bisexual, things down-spiraled. And the first time I asked her out, no sooner had the words left my mouth did she prove to me that I had misguided myself.

I'm not at all mad at Chicago. If I'm not able to make her content, then it's alright with me if things just end. I'll go back to being her friend -- the one thing it seems I'm a little bit good at. Dream said that maybe I should just tell her about how I love her, but I don't want to guilt Chicago into anything. It's her choice... I just don't know why she said yes if she knew I couldn't satisfy her. Ripred... I'm so stupid. So fucking stupid. I don't know why I let myself believe something when it isn't true. I'll never be with her other than as a friend. At least we can possibly still be friends -- if I haven't fucked that up at all.

Other than Dream or Tam, no one else knows that I know about all this. I was almost cracked and told Sage everything when he arrived, but I didn't. I knew that if I told him, he'd give Chicago nothing short of hell. She's already been through enough with the Kaleb episode and the unknown sickness; she doesn't need anymore drama. Sage knows something's wrong with me, but I won't tell him. It's not Chicago's fault -- it's mine. If Sage ever yelled at her for what she did, I honestly don't know what I would do. There's no way I could yell at either of them or be mad at them... I love them both more than anything. And another reason I didn't tell Sage: I've seen them fight before, and I hate it. I really don't like it when they yell and cut at each other verbally. 'course, I don't know anything about siblings because I don't have any, but that doesn't matter. The last thing I want is for them to fight.

For now, though, I won't tell Chicago. I highly doubt that it'll do either of us any good. I'm not going to tell Sage unless it really matters. I'm only going to keep my mouth shut like I usually do and just keep it to myself. Maybe all I needed was for someone else to tell me that I'm not good enough for the girl I could swear to anyone that I'm in love with. Ha, listen to me; I'm so pathetic. I blame both my mental and physical blindness.





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If I die young, I want to be buried at home. In Del Rio. Unless I don't die young, then I'd like to be buried wherever my family is. I know this doesn't relate to anything occurring right now, but I just thought it'd be best to have this written down in case I die unexpectedly.


Soo.... yeah.



Oh, so it turns out that Chicago had found my journal and taken it and read it. No wonder I couldn't find it. Not that I'm mad at her or anything, but of all the placed I thought to look, it never crossed my mind to ask her. I thought that some of its contents might've offended her, but apparently it didn't. I managed to talk her into letting her know that I didn't mind at all that she read it, so I think that situation went down smoothly. Chicago's been missing for a few weeks, too, and I'm gonna go find her. No idea how, but I'll figure it out. Hopefully.


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I tried to kill Kaleb Robertson today.


I really don't know why.


Hell, I don't even remember how it all started. All I remember is that I was egging it on to begin with, things calmed down, and then he launched himself at me, so of course I fought back. But then I just.... completely lost myself and went straight to try to strangle him, and I almost did. My hands were on his neck and... yeah... I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now. It's completely unlike me to try anything like this. Yeah, of course I get mad and want to kick someone, but I never thought I'd ever go as far as trying to kill someone -- take their life -- stop their heart and breathing. Wasn't senseless murder something I've always been against? Then why was I so hellbent on murdering Kaleb?

I think I'll go jump off a bridge, or some other high object.

... okay, not really, but still. I hate myself. I really do. Tam beat the hell outta me for strangling him and I completely understand why. I was stupid. Temporarily insane. And I could've killed him if I wanted to.

But even worse, how am I going to explain this to Chicago? She's already disappointed enough that I broke my sober streak, but how the fucking hell am I going to tell her that I tried to murder her ex for no reason? Yeah, that'll go over well. "Hey, Chicago, I tried to kill Kaleb. How's your day been?" And I honestly wouldn't hold anything against her if she decided to just sever our relationship -- or what little of it is even there -- and forget all about me. I'd be alright with that. Hell, I didn't even know I could get that violent, so why should she even want to keep me around? Such an unpredictable moody bastard, I am. Damn, I fucking hate myself.

I think I'm just so mad at myself that I'm lashing out at everyone with it. I scared the shit out of Sassifrass because she saw it all happen, Kels missed it but came afterward, and Tam tried to faint to get us to stop fighting, but... I just couldn't stop. Whether it was voluntary or involuntary, something just kept driving me to try to clamp down on his throat.



So yeah.... I tried to kill the love of my life's ex-boyfriend today. How was your day?


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Oh. My. Fucking. Damn. Hell.

I don't know what else to say. I'm pretty freaked out about it.

But remember when my dad died, he said: "Tell Semper?" Well, now I know what he wanted to tell me.


Apparently after I had been given to my dad, while we were still homeless and in the woods, my dad went in search of a job, and turns out that he met this lady named Elizabeth Angie Huskey, and they... yeah.... They must've been friends and kept in touch or something, which would explain why Dad would spend some nights on the phone for hours once we had gotten the basically modified barn house. And when I would ask him who he was talking to, he always said, "a friend. Just a friend." And nothing more quoth the raven xD So I thought nothing of it.


But now? Raphael sent me a letter that Dad had wrote and well.... you know what?


Sarafina Scott is my half-sister.



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I went with Chicago for a horseback ride along the beach. It took a helluva lot of guts, but I asked her to marry me. And guess what? She said yes.


I think my life has just found its silver lining.


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Something's been bothering Chicago lately, but when I try to ask her about it, she doesn't want to talk about it. That's understandable. But for some reason I wanted to know so I could help her and make her feel better, so I... well... snuck into her room and read her diary.... Believe me, I feel horribly guilty. My sense of guilt was sure as hell to not let me get away with this one. But I did find out what had been bothering her.

It turns out that she had been raped when she was nine. I honestly couldn't believe it, but there it was, written out all in front of me. But what was weird about it all was that she thought I would get mad at her for it. Why the hell would I get mad at something that happened to her? She did nothing that I know of to deserve any of that. That fucking bastard that got her when she was nine... dear Ripred, if I ever came across him... And Bear. He's fucked with Sage, and now Chicago. I now had my definite reason to hate that guy. And I didn't care that he was a cannibal. When you're mad as hell, anything's possible. He shouldn't be much harder to take down than Kaleb. It doesn't really explain why she slept with Bear multiple times. As much as I don't like it, I can't really do anything about it other than just getting over the past.



Oh, and I have Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome. Let's see how long it is before I have a mental breakdown not remembering things. Thank you alcohol.




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Last night I was with Chicago and her father, talking about going mudding, but then everything went black. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor with a headache from hell, the side of my head throbbing like no other, and blood running down my head because of it. I didn't know what the fuck had happened, but Mr. Eastlyn said I had fell and should be more careful. And I believed him.

Until I saw Chicago.

She seemed horribly distraught, so I asked what was wrong, but she didn't answer. She then said that she didn't want to talk about it, so I said okay, but she really seemed upset. Later she asked me how I hurt my head, so I said that I had fallen, but she asked how it ended up looking like the butt of a gun. Of course I didn't know, so I said I didn't know, then she was like, "Fucking perfect, of course he doesn't remember." It kinda upset me, but I didn't do anything about it. She asked if I wanted to know what I did, but I didn't want to because I knew I did something awful, but then I asked and it turns out that I forgot her.

How do you forget the love of your life?

I love Chicago Rae Eastlyn more than anything or anyone in the world, so how the hell did I forget her? Oh, yeah, fucking Wernicke-Korsakoff. My fucking stupid self for ever taking that first sip of alcohol. If I never had that first beer, would I be where I am now? I wouldn't still be going to these Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I wouldn't be avoiding my friend's parties for fear of caving and breaking my sober streak. I wouldn't be craving alcohol at spontaneous times. I wouldn't be forgetting the girl I love.

I don't want to forget Chicago. I don't want to forget Sage. I don't want to forget anyone. I still don't even know how the hell I got this big ass bruise on the side of my face. But what if I forget her again? She was so upset over this... I don't want it to happen again.


If you ever get a hold of this and read it, Chicago, just know that I've always loved you and I always will, whether I'm conscious of it or not. You're everything to me and not even Wernicke-Korsakoff can change that. I love you.


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July 2, 2011, Saturday.

I've been feeling like shit ever since Chicago left. Still no one has made contact with her, and it really has me worried. What if something's happened to her? I can't be there to protect her. Sage had told me not to worry since he thought that Aphrodite would more than likely be watching over her, which I really hope she is. I don't... I don't know what to do.... I can't think straight. I feel so lost and alone without her... Believe me, I still love Sage. I love him, I love Tam, I love Dream, Vince, Sassifrass, Dodge, all of them. But without Chicago, I feel that a great portion of myself is missing. I've been a lot more depressed lately & I've been snapping at the people who're closest to me. I don't like this. I doubt Chicago would either if she knew what I was doing.

I know it's pathetic of me to say this, but it's the truth. I'm never going to date again. Forget about relationships. I'll live with my best friend Sage for as long as I can before I feel like I'm leeching and then I'll move into a barn so that Bell & Gatsby can stay there. I'll sleep in a stall -- it's not as if I don't do that already. I don't need electricity. I'll grow my own food & take baths in a creek or a river. I'll live off the land like I've always wanted to do in a very rural area.

... but I don't want to do that, really. All that is my plan B. Plan A was to live with the girl I love until the day I die.

Looks like plan B may be closer than I had really hoped.

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Friday, July 8, 2001, Friday.

So I started on anti-depressant pills a few days ago & I think they're working. I'm feeling a lot better, but it still hurts. A lot. Hopefully I won't get addicted to the pills.... that'd be really bad. But it's all I've found lately to ease the pain.

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