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Post by Semper Capone on Aug 15, 2011 10:15:15 GMT -5
August 15, 2011, Monday.
It's been two, maybe three months since Chicago disappeared. That's two, maybe three more months than I would have preferred to live. I know I'm over-reacting; I know I can't let go; I know I'm being ridiculous; I know staying down and depressed won't help me any. But what can I do? She's dead. There's no other possible explanation as to why she suddenly fell off the face of the planet without a single word or warning. Well, I mean, there's always the possibility that she was kidnapped, but I really don't want to think of what her abductors could be doing to her. I can't bear thinking about that.
Chicago was everything to me, and because of that, I've felt like shit the way I've been treating Sage. He was the whole reason I turned bi, and he's always been there for me, but I feel like I've just put him on the back burner and forgotten about him. He's my best friend; I just can't forget about him. I feel like I have, though, and I, again, feel like shit for it. I know I'm in love with both of them in the romantic kind of way, but what do I do? I'm so distressed over Chicago's death/disappearance that I'm just bogging down Sage. I don't want that for him.... I've tried to be happy for him, but that only gets me so far. In the long run, I'll still be the silent, depressed guy who doesn't care anymore. I was so close to having the greatest moment of my life happen, and it was just ripped right out from under my feet. All I had wanted was to make things better for Chicago and I, after all the emotional shit we've been through. But look where that got me: a hell of a lot worse than where I had originally begun.
They're starting to clear out Chicago's dorm, so I snuck in there and got two things: her diary and that cedar swan I had carved for her. Nothing else really mattered to me at that point. I keep her diary on top of my sketchbook and the swan right on top of that. I don't ever want to forget her again. It's like half of me is dead without her.
I know she wouldn't be pleased with the way I've been acting. She'd tell me to move on and find someone else, but I can't. I won't. I still love Sage, but I hate being depressed like this around him.
I would give anything to be with her again... anything. If she's dead, then damn it, I want to die. I don't care anymore. I really don't. I just want to see her; to hold her; to stay with her. I don't know how I've managed this long without her in the first place. I know Chicago would want me to do anything but kill myself, but that's the option I've found myself leaning toward. I've pretty much stopped eating, so if I keep that up, it'll only take about two weeks or so. I would need to quit drinking anything too, but I don't know how well that would work out. There's always jumping off a bridge, and since I can't swim, it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll drown. And there's always the pills. I just about killed myself overdosing once, I can sure as hell do it again. Sage and Tam'll get over it. I was just going to take up space at the new house anyway, so there'll be one less person to worry about. And I had absolutely no money to contribute to buying the house, so maybe they can get money from my death to help pay. Sarafina has Dodge, and soon she'll have Ravi, too, so she doesn't need me. I don't know why she keeps telling me that I'm "all she has left to live for." Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. She now has a husband and a kid -- she has the life I had wanted with Chicago for so long. Yes, I'm jealous. I just can't figure out why she and Dodge would get it so easy while those of us who struggle to work through things end up where I am now. Maybe I'm coming off as being selfish and whining, but I seriously don't care. I know life ain't fair, but really, Fates? Why me? Why Chicago? What did either of us do to deserve this?
I really can't stand being without her. I'll always love her. Always. Semper fidelis.
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Post by Semper Capone on Aug 16, 2011 19:39:37 GMT -5
Tuesday, August 16, 2011.
Great. Just fucking great.
I know I can trust Sage with anything and tell him anything, but I went too far today. At first I told him how I thought Chicago was dead, and things just down-spiraled from there. We got into a fight. And honestly, this is the first time we've ever fought that I can remember. I can't even begin to put into words how much I feel like shit. I pretty much just put across to him that I was going to kill myself, and I really want to, but then I wouldn't be doing Sage any good. He had a very good point earlier: what if I killed myself and then Chicago came back? Fuck this. I'm so sick and tired of this, just.... just fuck it. Damn it all straight to hell. I can't take this anymore. I've tried for months, and I just can't bear it anymore. I can't do one thing without hurting someone else very close to me. What am I to do? I can't fucking take this. I'm so angry and depressed and sad all at the same time.
I need a drink. Maybe a few. Or a lot. I very much like the idea of passing out drunk right now.
Goodbye.
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Post by Semper Capone on Sept 23, 2011 21:21:55 GMT -5
Friday, Sept. 23, 2011
Things have gotten a helluva lot better. A while I met a girl by the name of Kaylee Tam, and we quickly became friends. I felt like I'd known her for a long time already, and I did.
She is Chicago.
Well, I guess you could say that this was bittersweet. Sweet because, duh, Chicago's back. Bitter because, well, Tam's pregnant with my twins. She just doesn't want people to know that I'm the father, so all I've done is just go with her for the first sonogram, and now I'm distancing myself from the twins as much as a father can. I don't want to pretend to not know them, but I don't want to upset Tam, either. (Damn you Dodge, you get this all so easy) I also found out that before Chicago was kidnapped, she was pregnant but miscarried about a month later and she nearly took out a few more people because of it. And now she's pregnant again, but with twins this time. I swear, there's something in my DNA that just insists on duos. I can only pray that this time there's no miscarriages.
But anyway. Life is so much better now, despite the predicaments. I'll be off to bed now, can hardly stay awake as it is.
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