My life is a rollercoaster {10/01/11}

[Deleted]

By rollercoaster, I mean exciting. At the moment anyway. Today in math class, I found out I had a brother. It's funny, because I've been at Richmond for a little while now, and we only just met yesterday. Anyway, Oh My God. He is HOT! Absolutely gawjus. Like, god-like. No pun intended. I don't think I've ever loved my mother more than I do right now. Seriously. We kind of look the same, but he's taller and a year older. We have the same black hair and blue eyes though. We passed notes in math. There are huge amounts of chemistry there it's nuts. Yes, we're half siblings, but I honestly don't care. I mean, I don't think mother would mind, and thats all that really matters to me. No one else knows we're related because I haven't told anyone who my God-parent (lol) is yet. And how unfair would it be to have two epically good looking people, and not let them get together? Like, what would that be? That's what I thought. Anyways.

My dorm is still prety awesome. I still don't have any roommates, which is fine by me. I mean, I wouldn't mind having roomies, but being by mysekf means that I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone, and i can take up a little bit more space. Plus, i can have make out sessions in my room without anyone complaining and i can stay in the bathroom as long as I want. Hey, get this. Turns out my brother was living next door the whole time. That'll make hook-ups easier ;) Yeah, he bunks in the dorm next to mine with two other good looking guys. Markus and....Semper. He's pretty smokin' ;)

There is this other bloke who is almost, almost as good looking as Semper. Which means he's less of a looker than Sage (my brother.) His name is Bear. Which frankly is a name you don't hear often, unless people are telling you to run. But yeah, he's attractive enough, but there's something about him that's a tad off putting, so I'll have to keep my eye on him.

I'm Captain of the cheerleading squad this year, which is great XD Im still in the dance team, and I'm still on the student Council, so all is good for now :) I'm thinking about getting another tattoo. Maybe of a sparrow or something on my thigh or shoulderblade. Not sure. I'll mull it over...

I miss my dad though. I should email him...

<3 ya,
*Chicago

[Deleted]

24/01/11

So you know how I said my life was a rollercoaster? Yeah weel today had been one of those days where all i di don teh rollercaoster was go down. Like, all the way down.

So, was in IM this morning, having a great time talking to two of my favourtie boys, Sage and Semper. Great. Then Sage, Semper, Dream and I were talking about tattoos and Dream says that She has a tat of the sun coz her dad is the sun god. Thats cool. Then this new reg called Bird jumps in and was like "Your dad is Apollo" and we were all like "Crap", so we all made excuses but teh story that stuck was the one that i blurted out. It was this big online game that we all used to play called Children off the Gods and you would choose a god to be the child of (duh) and run around and do stuff. We told her that we all loved the game and after gettign drunk one night, Dream got a sun tattooed on her because in teh game, Apollo was her father and all that jazz. She wanted to go look it up, we told her that it and all the evidence it existed have been wiped from existence because so many people got obsessed and stuff like that. She wants to go visit her aunt and get newspaper archives about it.

I figured that Sage's dad works for Apple or somesuch so we should be able to get him to mock up a "memo" to say that EVERYTHIGN to do with the game had to be destroyed and no newspaper articles or anything, so hopefully that weill keep her at bay.

So, we'd all only just recovered from that, after Sage lied to Bird about being bi to change the subject, and Semper was all like "I have soemthign to tell you Chicago" and Sage already knew, so of course i was like "Tell me!"

Well, He's freaking bi. At least he isnt gay, but still. And i dont have anything against bi's or gay's but it was still as shock. And the last week I've been battling with what I think might be love, but there's no chance I'm talking to him about that now. I told Sage that I wouldn't be visiting his dorm as often as I normally do for teh next few days, so he doesnt worry about me, but I know he will. Thats what he does.

Vince and Dream both say that I should just tell Semper how I feel, but I don't think thats gonna happen. Vince offered me some of his forgetting wine, and then I can go back to the old me, and just make out with people and forget about Semper, which I'm seriuosly considering doing. Seriously.

Sometimes I wish i was a reg...but then I remember I wouldnt have all my awesome demi friends: Chase, Sage, Vince, Dream, Aria, Dom....

I;m okay...I'll get over it. Maybe some revenge sex is in order...or just some of Vince's wine....

[Deleted]

17/03/2011

Okay, so for one, I'm sorry i havent written in ages. So much has been happening and I havent really had time, energy or patience to write any of it down.

Soooo...what was the last thing I wrote about? *reads back* oh, Semp being bi. Good God, i really havent written in forever. Im over that now. I knew I'd get over it, it was just a shock at the time. So, where to start? Uhm...I think i had one of the shortest realtionships known to mankind, with this reg senior called Kaleb. He was really sweet to begin with and then things kind of spiralled out of control, so I ended that. Sage was reeling at me because of it though, screaming and swearing at me, calling me ungrateful and telling me I keep screwing Semp over and all this stuff. Looking back now, I completely understand where he was coming from. Not that I give a shit about what he thinks (yeah, we fought again. Can you tell? Will fill you in on that later) Anyway, so about a week or two after I ended it with Kaleb, I bumped inot him in the Quad after school, and we ended up yelling at eachother (I tend to make people yell, I've discovered) and then he made me cry (not intentionally, but still) and then he kissed me. And it was nice, but then I remembered..he's going out with Tam! Yes. he apparently moves on quickly, not that I care, but then he kissed me, WHILE HE'S GOING OUT WITH TAM! Now, i may be slutty at times, and an Aphrodite child, but I still have SOME morals, and I have never, and will never, so anything like kissing or anything with someone elses boyfriend. Its just not something I do. So I slapped him. I felt bad, only slightly. But I slapped him. And that was a bout three weeks ago, and I still ahevnt told Tam that we even dated. She thinks we just dont get along. Which is true. Now. Anyways, moving on.

Tam and I can be pretty bad when we arent together, but when we are, oh boy LOOK OUT. Im not kidding you. We got called into the principals office and within a minute being in the room, we're trying to get into his pants. *Facepalm* its shameful, really :S

The last month I've been really sick. I havent slept the whole time. Before I went to the doctor, I hadnt eaten for two weeks. Now I'm managing to keep down some Saltines and Ginger Ale, at Bears suggestion. Im still keeping up with Cheerleading, Dance and Student Council. So Im slowly getting better, but its a long process. Especially coz Im not sleeping.

Right. Im getting through this crap. Whats next. Oh yes, my royal fuck up. Semper asked me out today. Which was great. I said yes. Duh. I love the guy. Anyway. So afterwards, Adam came along and I went all Aphrodite-slut like and we started making out or pashing or whatever. And I admit, it was a stupid thing to do. Like really stupid. And I feel terrible. But anyway, moving on, coz my hand is getting tired - then Dream walked in. Well, you can imagine would could have happened. I left, but then I was about to sign into the school chat room that night, but I saw Dream about to tell Semp something, so I just lurked. She told him. Tam was there too and had a fit. Semp was....Well...I think he was heartbroken. He did that whole "I was never good enough for her" thing, which is NOT true. Im the one who acts like dirt. So...I havent spoken to anyone since. No one knows I saw the conversation. No one has tried to talk to me about it yet...but that'll change.

Why am I like this?? I fucking hate it! I was a was a reg, that I sisnt have all this emotion, all this drama and shit following me around all this time. Fuck this.

[Deleted]

20/03/2011

Im seriously considering changing schools. I dont fucking care if I'm a demigod and this is the only demigod school in the world. I dont give a damn. Honest.

I was walking through school today, I cant even rememeber where I was, and I found a worn brown book. So, I picked it up, as you do, and put it in my bag so I could take a look later and find out who it belongs to so I could return it. You know? Well, dont I wish I hadnt done that. After doing the little homework i had today, I grabbed the book from my bag and had a flick through to see if I could find a name or just figure out who it belonged to. So there I was, stretched out on my bed, I opened the book, and flicked to the last filled page - and its filled with handwritten pages, with handwriting I know really well. I look abit closer, and see my name. Its Sempers fucking journal. Fuck. So, being the sticky beak I am, I read it.

He isnt mad at me. I dont get it. I'd be furious at me if I was him. He loves me. How? How could someone as sweet and gentle love me? Can someone tell me how that is even possible?? And he didnt want to tell me he loved me because he doesnt want to guilt me into anything. Get this! He wants to now if HE fucked up our friendship!! That is beyond comprehension to me. How in the wold could he have fucked it up? God! I'm the...what did Sage say? Oh yes, I'm the one "whoreing myself out" to anyone who looks at me. He didnt tell Sage about whats going on because he wants to protect me. He doesnt like it when Sage and I fight. (We still arent talking, by the way)

HOW COULD I BE SO FUCKING STUPID?! Could someone please answer this for me? I'm not gonna lie, I'm sick of being like this. Over-emotional, not speaking to my friends. Being sick. I dont know who to turn to. Normally, I would go to Vince, but I bet Dreams told him whats going on, and he probably hates me. I'm not going to Adam, that'll make the situation worse. I have to break it off with him anyway. I literally, for the first time in my life, dont know who to talk to. I want to change schools, I want to go home, I want everything to fix itself. I want to go back in time, and not become a total bitch.

[Deleted]

23/03/2011

I've called work to tell them I wont be in town for two weeks. I called Chris (the principal, another one of my brothers) and told him the same. He asked why. I said I needed to go see my dad, which he said he could understand with my being sick recently, and he said he would organise to get two weeks worth of work from my teachers so I could take it with me. He also said he would organise for my co-captain to obviously take charge of the team while I'm away. I asked him to please not tell anyone that he knew where I had gone and why. Just, ONLY if they asked, to tell them that he knew I was gone. Its only late evening, so im gonna spend the next few hours packing everything im gonna need. Stuff for Diesel. Clothes and stuff. Im gonna pack it all in my car, and leave early in the morning after going past Chris's dorm to pick up my school work. I've called dad to let him know I'm coming home to visit. He was ecstatic. I just need to clear my head. I cant do it anymore. I cant be here. If I go home, I can tell my dad everything, and I know he wont yell at me. He'll be disappointed, I'm sure, but he wont yell. All I want is for things to be normal. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. Thanks again mum for the awesome life. Seriously. Cheers.

[Deleted]

31/03/2011
Location: Hell. (Although I like this one alot better than the hell I have to face back in California)

I Love You <3

That is all I can really bring myself to write at the moment. I know I'll not be able to say it to your face, but I'll write it here.

It isn't the same....But it helps...

...Not really.

[Deleted]

11/05/2011

OHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSOHMYZEUSGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

IM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!! OHMYGOODNESS!!!!

*dances* IMGETTINGMARRIEDANDIMSOEXCITED!!!

<333

[Deleted]

16/05/2011

Well hi there diary. I know I've neglected you a little lately, but I appreciate that you won't hate me for it. Yeah, now I'm talking to paper like it can converse with me. Good luck trying to explain to the authorities that I'm sane.

Ha, please excuse my foul mood, but I've been struggling for the last couple of days...and its really getting to me. So, you should feel privileged, I'm about to tell you somethings that I've never told anyone but my dad before and more. Yippee for you. Hold on tight, its gonna be a bumpy ride...

So the other day Sarafina got attacked by Bear at the Abandoned Building on campus. Im guessing it was his intention to rape her, but he never got that far. I mean, as bad as it was, Kaleb made it sound worse than it actually was. And I really am sorry that that had to happen to Sarafina, but I guess its my bad mood making me sound heartless... :S I should work on that...but anyways. When I got to Kalebs, looking at Sarafina just brought back memories of the Vaelntines Dance this year and those two other times when I was younger that I actually got attacked and.....yeah... *clears throat* Uhhhhmmm...yeah. I had just pushed the memories of those times into a tiny box in the back of my mind and not thought about them ever again, but I was fully having flashbacks and trying not to break down. Its been kind of hard for me to operate normally this weekend, mostly because my brain had now decided its not going to let me forget about what happened. Just like...let me forget about it okay?? God. I literally feel like I'm battling my own brain on this. The whole reason I never thought about what happened is because I knew I wouldnt be able to cope with it emotionally, which is saying alot coz I can cope with alot of shit. I mean, I healed from the physical stuff, the bruises and scratches, really quickly. Guess its not really in my DNA to have flawed skin right? [/sarcasm]. But I knew the emotional side of it would be too much for me to handle. So I made myself forget. I mean, who wants to dwell on that sort of stuff anyways?

So this whole weekend I've been attacked by my memories of that guy.... that guy who followed me home from school when I was nine. Yeah, bet you never would have guessed that giving up my virginity wasnt a choice right?? Who would? And that sixteen year old guy who couldnt keep it in his pants when I was fourteen. And then Bear at the Valentines Day Dance this year. Fucking Miss Smack ahd to pair me up with Bear of all people. The worst part about that is is that he seemed like he changed afterwards, and he somehow ended up spilling his guts to me, and ending up acting as a sounding board for me to vent..and I actually ended up sleeping with him a couple of time...voluntarily. I plead temporary insanity. Or maybe permamnent insanity.

How does someone get to this point? Where their life is so fucked up? Im sick of people using my emotions to my advantage. I wish Aphrodite wasnt my mother. I feel so ugly, inside and out. How did my judgement go so out the window? I just...dont know what to do...I know Semper knows something is wrong, and I almost told him today about it all, but I now he'd flip a brick, and I couldnt bear him to be mad at me for letting that stuff happen. I brought it on myself..I mean I must have. Why else would a nine year old get raped on the way home from school..I must have done something wrong, not acted properly...but I dont know what. I cant imagine how Semper would want me if I ever told him what happened. I wouldnt want me. I dont want me. I hate me. I think me should go die somewhere inconspicous....