Nothing Changes (1/09/11)

[Sarafina Moore]

Well Diary, I went to go pick up my dad from rehab and luckily he has stop drinking but he seems to think I am still responseable for my mothers death. On our way home, he was sitting in the back seat and he kept telling me of how happy he was with my mother, then he used his old marriage ring as a symbol of how much he blames me for her death, all I could hear from him was "how the ring meant nothing to him to him now, that it was my fault for what he has become, and how he wishes how he could trade my life for mom as least we would be able to have children." He would repeat that over and over every couple of minutes to remind me of how he felt about me.

When I dropped him off at home, he asked me to get a few things at the market and get a few things, little did I know he was going to be drunk by the time I got back from the market. I was probably gone for an hour and there he was already drunk, already yelling and screaming at me for what he was. I looked away and before I knew it I felt the sting of his hand against my cheek, he forcefully took me by my face and said "You will look at me when I talk to you. And what I am telling you know, you aren't going back to Richmond."He said to him, as tears filled my eyes. More happened, things got worse but putting what happened at my house is too hard to bare, but I know now i'm never going home again. That's all I'm gonna write for now.

[Sarafina Moore]

2/05/11

Dear Diary,


Well almost two weeks ago I got an unexpected visit from my drunk father who actually got the courage to come onto the Richmond campus and started calling me out for me to come to him. But I hid the crowd, then Semper showed up I don't know what I would do without him, he's a really good guy. He's like a brother to me, the older brother that I never had. Then of course Dodger showed up, I don't know how bad it would've gotten if Semper and Dodger wouldn't have been there. A week after rumors began to spread after the experiance with my father it there when I ended up leaving school and ditching the rest of my classes. I went to Richmond Lake when Dodger found me, I started having feelings for him after he helped out with my father. After he got me outta the cold something wonderful happened he kissed me, and after that I realized that life is worth living. I know that Dodger is what making all of my bad memories and my past just seem like a bad dream. He's a really great guy, and I know that I care for him and he cares for me.

[Sarafina Moore]

4/18/11

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I saw a side of Semper that I didn't like at all, he was trying to strangle my boyfriends best friend and now my friend Kaleb. When I yelled at Semper he stopped and quickly got up, Kaleb took advantage of that and kicked Semper. I felt tears in my eyes when Semper look at me, I was disappointed in him infact, I didn't even know who I was looking at when I looked in his eyes all I saw was an angry boy who looked like Semper, he had a thirst for blood and only a specific kind, Kalebs blood. I didn't know who to turn to after that, I walked away, after a few seconds Semper came after me, I didn't know what to do, I was scared of him he talked to me but all I said that I was disappointed in him, then Kelsie came and tried to give me a hug but I backed away from it, then walked away finding a quiet spot. I saw Semper again out of the corner of my eye, after a bit of talking Semper reached out to wipe my tears away but he didn't, for some odd reason I didn't move away I let him do it. As soon as I felt his hand against my cheek I rested my head in his hand, he hugged me. I got to admit Semper gives the best hugs when it calls for it. Semper is still my non-related older brother, but part of me is still scared of him after what I saw, so I have no idea what to do.

And after that my life just seem to get worse my father, Johnathan Scott, died of a stomach ulcer from his heavy drinking. Now, I don't have any respect for my father but he didn't deserve to go like that, I know that he beat me senseless but still, he's my father. I'm allowed to mourn a little bit, aren't I? With him dead, and my mother I have no living parents, and my only relative I can think of who will take care of me is my Uncle Gabriel, he's an FBI. My older cousin Anthony can be taking care of me to but he's in the Military. My uncle Gabriel might be here anyday now since he said he might be coming to Los Angeles to talk with me about my future here. I have no problem staying with my Uncle Gabriel, I love him to death, but there is a problem with me going with him if I have no choice he lives out in Kentucky, that means I would have to leave everyone here at Richmond. Semper, Dodger, Chicago, the soccer team........What am I going to say to them if I end up having to with my uncle?........God


I seriously feel like jumping off a cliff.

So besides all that, how was your day? Must've been great since your just a diary.

[Sarafina Moore]

5/13/11

Well Diary, i've been thinking about it a lot with Dodger leaving for college and all, and i've decided if he has to to another state to go to the college of his choosing i'm going with him. I know it will be hard to leave Richmond High school if it happens, and leave Chicago. But Dodger is the one I really want to be with, I probably wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for him, with the death of my father he has been there for me. And i'm seeing a change in him that i've never seen before, it's like a different side of Dodger is finally coming out, of course nobody out in public sees this cuase he has to continue his reputation of being a smart ass, with a lot of pride and I don't blame him either for that. So it's basically wherever he goes I go, he's become my life source and I don't know what I would do without him, he's given me so much, and I don't know how to repay him all I can think is to give him my undying love for him, and show that I care about him, witch i'm pretty sure he knows. If it's possible Dodger is the one I want to spend the rest of my life, and hopefully have a family with. I hope it does happen.

P.S.: It looks like my team and I are going to the State Championship.

[Sarafina Moore]

May-15-11

I never felt so horrible in my entire life, I broke the news to my friends and brother Semper that i'm going back to Sparks. Of course they weren't happy about it, but I need to do what's best for me. But I feel even worse because I hurt Dodger, he's been so good to me and this is how I repay him being a complete selfish bitch and going back to Sparks for my sake. God, I feel like I personally fucked up my own life beyond repair......I can only wonder what my mom would be saying to me right now......But it's my fault she's dead, and my dad.....My life has gone from perfect to my own personal self-made hell. I'm the most stupidest person on the face of the earth.

A few hourse after arrival to Sparks

[/s]

I don't understand why I agreed to coming back to Sparks, but I somewhat feel like I'm finally where I belong. I finally have a fresh start, where nobody knows me. But now I have an empty feeling that won't go away. I already miss, Semper, Chicago, Kaleb, and even more Dodger.... God, why I did I make this decision. I want to go back, but even if I do they probably won't eve talk to me after what I did to them....It looks like I really have fucked up my own life, and lost the love of my life....Dodger................................................ Why did I make this decision?[/center]

[Sarafina Moore]

05/18/11

Well I had another nighmare about the car accident that took the life of my mother. It started from the very begining from her picking me up from the riding stable, to the ice cream stand to the intersection. Then when the Honda Civic was in the middle of the intersection, the black Dodge Ram truck it the Civic, of course a Honda didn't stand a chance against the impact, the civic rolled five times before landing upside down on the road. I could tell my mom was hurt from where I was, but I quickly checked myself over and noticed that I was alright I was able to get out window that cut me on my shoulders. I was able to get to the driver side window, but I don't know what was worse seeing my mom's life slip through my finger or seeing her die..........It seems like those memories will never go away, and it keeps me from having peace of mind....I'm surprised that nobody hasn't noticed it yet, even Semper he's known me since Freshmen year....But the big problem is that I can't stop blaming myself for what happened to me mom, or my dad. For my dad, I could've taken him back to rehab but I was too worried about my safety to take him there. If it weren't for me my and decisions they would still be alive.............................

[Sarafina Moore]

5/29/11

Dear Diary,

-smudge- I am now a month and three days pregnant with Dodger's child. It seems as soon as my life seems to get better it goes back to being worse. Appearently to Dodger and I qoute "A pain in the ass" unqoute. God, -smudge- I should've known that he was gonna hurt me again, but I was too blind and too happy with him to see it coming. I can't leave him since i'm pregnant with his child since I was want Dodger to be able to see his child, -smudge- but how can I when he said something so hurtfull and so harsh to me. It almost sounded as if I was talking to my father, the same harshness and coldness as if I wasn't a human being with feelings. -smuge- And now here I am back in the dorm, crying all because of this (hence the smudges) He said he wouldn't hurt me, and here I am hurt....again... I'm tired of getting hurt, why can't my life just be normal? I want to have a family and a life with Dodger, but how can I after him saying something-smudge-so-smudge-heartless to me?.......Well I now know that he cares more about Ruby then he ever will for me -smudge- I don't know what I did to deserve this, maybe my step-father was right, i'm -smudge- meant to be a lone and have no life. I really hope all this stress that i'm having -smudge- doesn't lead up to a miscarriage cause if it happens, I could be on the verge of death, or even worse.....

Besides that how was your day?

[Sarafina Moore]

Hey diary, sorry I haven't writtten in a while A LOT of stuff has been going on so prepare for A LOT of pages to be taken up.

Well it turns out the baby is a boy, so after a lot of timing and thinking Dodger and I decided to name the baby Ravi Tyler Moore, he's expected some time in December. I gotta admit I am nervous since i'm gonna be a mother so soon and since because I have one more year left in high school and Dodger is going off to college. That's another thing, Dodger got a foot scholarship to a college of his choosing, I just hope he doesn't go too far so he can still see me and Ravi after he's born.

I got married to the guy of my dreams, I'm now known as Sarafina Moore yes I got married to Dodger Moore and let me say it's the most amazing feeling and I thought I would never be getting married. I was nervous wreck at the alter, i'm happy that I didn't mess up the vows. I love Dodger soooo much even if he does has his moments when he's a pain in the butt. Dodger has accepted to being the father since he is the father. I honestly wouldn't want anyelse to be the father of our child. I don't know if he knows it but he's gonna be a great father, I can see it in him that he's gonna be able to be the dad that he never had.

After all these years, I finally saw my mom ever since she wrote that letter and I found it in my mailbox and read it I've been having this feeling that she was a lot closer then I thought she would be. It was great to see her after all these years, and i'm not even made that she faked her death, I understand that if was for my protection, and I can't be mad at her for that.

Dodger and I just got back from our honeymoon in Venice, Italy and I can tell we both had an amazing time, the first day we just relaxed because of the flight, the next day we just walked around town to see what looking interesting it, then the White Stallions of Venice came up and up to my surprise he bought tickets to see them, I can tell Dodger is gonna spoil me beyond repair XD. Seeing the White Stallions of Venice was amazing they were so beautiful. And of course my birthday came up, Dodger bought me a amazing necklace that has our names on the hearts. Dodger can be a romantic when he really wants to be, I love him so much. So after seeing the stallions we went to the beach, it was so beautiful. So after that we just kicked back and relaxed and now we are back in California and getting ready for another school year.

[Sarafina Moore]

9-10-11

Two months.....Two months left until Ravi Tyler Moore is born, I'm getting so excited to be a mother and guess who starting to become excited to become a father. Yes, Dodger is, he was a nervous wreck at first but it seemed after our little talk in the dorm he got better he started to become his smartass, full of pride self again and I have to admit I missed that side of him. (Don't tell him I said that). I know Ravi is gonna love Dodger, the way Ravi kicks when Dodger puts his hand on my stomach is enough to know that Ravi loves him already, Semper is still gonna be the god father of course and it seems he wants Ravi to born already, infact both Dodger and Semper want Ravi to be born already. OH!! And guess what Dodger and Semper are gonna call Ravi for his nickname, Ravioli. It's obvious those two are hanging out WAY too much. I know when Ravi is born, him and Dodger are gonna be very close, I just can't wait until Ravi is born. I never thought I would be married and end up having a family with Dodger, even though the family is coming earlier then I expected i'm happy it's happening. I don't know what I would do without Dodger, he's absolutely perfect to me and I know that with Ravi being born soon, my life is only gonna get better.[/blockquote]

[Sarafina Moore]

10/18/11

I don't know what to do.....I've done everything I can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Dodger is drinking more and more and he refuses to see it, why can't he see it? I need him more then anything right now, and I know Ravi needs him more. I remember my dad telling me that I would up alone just like him, and so far he seems to be right, everytime Dodger goes out I know where he's going, to Kalebs. To party and drink, even when he promised me that he would stop after he got out of rehab, but Kaleb keeps getting the best of him I don't know why or how. What am I suppose to do? Ravi is due in two months, how can I make Dodger feel relaxed without having a drink....I feel so helpless, I miss the old Dodger....The one that would hold me, cuddle with me, and one that was excited to have Ravi here soon. But it seems like he's just vanished and he isn't coming back. . How am I suppose to make Dodger see that I need him soo much? My dad said I would end up just like him, alone with a kid fighting to keep a roof over their head, the only difference was he was the drunk, and I was working three jobs just to pay the bills, and pay for my dads rehab. What if Dodger becomes like my father? Always yelling about how worthless I am, what if he starts hitting him just like he did? I don't know if I could go through that without hurting myself in the process..............I'm praying..........hoping that I can help Dodger before it's too late...But maybe it already is........