Requiem [Tori <3 ]

[Semper Capone]

It was nearing midnight. I had been watching the red numbers on the digital clock for the past 47 minutes, trying to keep my mind off Chicago's absence by adding up the numbers and counting the seconds. It wasn't working, though. All I could think about was her. I didn't really care that the wedding was pretty much off until further notice; all I cared about was where she was. I wanted to find her like I did when she went back home to Hell, but I highly doubted that was where she was now. And here I was, lying on my bed, still fully dressed, unable to sleep and wallowing in depression. Again.

This was familiar territory for me. Hell, this was the third time I've lost her. But this wasn't just about me. Sage and Tam lost their sister. Dodger and Kaleb and Haley lost a friend. I wasn't the only one who lost someone.

Sighing, I rubbed my face, muttering in German under my breath. I had to just move on, but I couldn't, as much as I knew I had to. She'd want me to pick myself back up and continue with life, but I.... I just couldn't. Not without her.

"Fuckin' hell, I'm hopeless...." I turned so that I was lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. My hands were trembling ever so slightly as I realized how desperately I wanted some moonshine. Fear began to seep into me as I realized my addiction was spurring yet again. I quickly sat up and dug my fingers into the sheets on the mattress, looking around the room in a panicked fashion as I tried to distract myself somehow. My stomach was burning, though.... I didn't know how to make it stop since it hurt, so I reached over and took a spoon off from the nightstand, bending it each and every way with shaking hands in a futile attempt to distract myself again.

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[Sage Amato]

The messages appeared on his phone like a bombing over London. First from Dodger, then Hayley, then Tam. They were all under three words saying something like "Chicago is gone." or "Chicago is missing." My heart dropped. I waited five seconds to receive a message from Semp. When the text didn't come through I dropped whatever I was doing, I can't even remember any more, and ran to our dorm. Semper loved Chicago. He loved her with every fiber of his being and when she was gone for even a couple of days, he never seemed whole. I hated how he was when she was gone, like a piece of hi was missing. Now that she was just...gone and the wedding postponed, well, I had no idea what he would try, but I wasn't going to wait to find out.

The run to our dorm seemed like fifty billion miles away. I was running so hard my muscles were screaming at me to stop. Sure, i was an athlete, but even athletes had their limits. However, I didn't care for those limits. My best friend and my love interest in the past was potentially putting himself in danger and I wouldn't let him do that.

I arrived at our door and took a deep breath before fumbling with the keys. I opened the door slowly not quite sure what I was going to find. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I found Semper chocking the hell out of some spoon. At least he wasn't hurting someone or himself. I put my bag down and my keeps on the table next to our door and climbed onto Semp's bed. I sat there in silence. I wanted him to speak first. I just wanted him to be ready to talk to me no matter how long that would take.

[Semper Capone]

One disadvantage to being as tall/big as I am and having large hands was that I tended to break things much more quickly, much to my dismay. I could feel the metal heating up as I continued to bend it, and eventually it broke into two pieces. Not having anything else to do, I sat there like an idiot, staring at the pieces as if they'd somehow fuse back together so I could break it again.

I heard the door open, but I didn't even bother to look up. I knew it was either Sage or San Francisco, though I personally hoped it was Sage. He was like a brother to me and I trusted him with my life; he's seen me in my absolute weakest state, so I wasn't afraid of showing any sort of emotion in front of him.

I just couldn't really bring myself to say anything. What could I tell him? That I was majorly depressed? I bet you anything that he was just as depressed, so there's really no reason for me to feel anymore saddened by this. This wasn't about me at all.

Picking up the dish end of the spoon, I then tried to flatten and twist the metal with shaky attempts, still trying to distract myself. "How 'bout them Tar Heels?" I asked quietly, not once looking up at Sage. I had no idea whether he knew I was talking about North Carolina's not-so-good job in the College World Series in Omaha, Nebraska. Of course I was trying to avoid the subject of the absence of the girl I love, so I was going to dodge that for as long as I could.

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[Sage Amato]

I just watched as Semper moved methodically from one piece of the spoon to the other. My best friend had avoided eye contact and we sat in a moment of awkward silence. I just didn't want to bring up Chicago and have him flip. I hated seeing him in pain, but it was so painfully obvious that he was not okay. He broke an innocent spoon after all.

When he asked me about the Tar Heels, I just stared at him. The first thing that popped in my mind was, "What the hell is he talking about?" The next was, "He really needs to talk." I placed a hand on his to keep him from flattening the spoon any more. "Semp..." I spoke just above a whisper, hoping he would look up at me or speak or anything really. I just wanted to know what he was thinking.

Sure, Chicago left and she was my sister. I was heartbroken and afraid and freaked out, but Semper was going to marry the woman. Their wedding was so close and then, she just disappeared. No note, that I know of. No warning at all. I was sad, depressed even, but that was nothing compared to what Semper must have been feeling. To be so close to pure love and perfection and having that ripped from right under him. I wouldn't be able to handle it. "Talk to me."

[Semper Capone]

I was near having the dish part of the spoon flat when Sage's hand came and rested on my shaking ones. Way to blow how desperate for alcohol I was. The spoon was the only thing keeping me from running down the stairs and hightailing it to the bar.

But at Sage's touch, even though I was still trembling, I felt secure. I felt like I didn't need any booze of sorts. I briefly looked up at Sage before dropping my gaze back to where his hand was on mine.

I wanted to tell him... believe me, I wanted to just spill my guts to him and put everything on the table for him to see, but I also didn't want to give him my problems to worry about. But bottling things up like I usually do is never a good thing. That's what got me into trouble with Kaleb and almost killing him. But hell, I was too depressed to really do anything other than sulk.

"I don't got nothin' t' say, really..." I replied quietly after a few minutes of silence and all the while still avoiding eye contact with him. I kept staring down at our hands, wanting to bend the spoon again, but I stayed still.

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[Sage Amato]

A frown formed on my lips. He was holding it in and that was never good for anyone, but especially Semp. When he bottled his emotions he tended to resort to drinking them away or beating the crap out of someone. When I came back from New York and Chicago was still gone, I heard that he almost killed Kaleb. I thought to myself, "No, that's not Semper," but it was. He kept his emotions inside of him and he had no one to talk to and he just exploded. I wasn't going to let that happen to him again. No, I would be here for him throughout everything.

I moved my hand away from his and looked down. "I think it's funny that you still try to lie to me. I mean, I've been your best friend for four years. You're my roommate, best friend, and you're like a brother to me. I know when you're lying and I know when you're not happy." I let out a small laugh that was really just a puff of air. I shook my head and leaned back on the bed.

It was kind of weird to think that in a couple of weeks that this room that Sage and Semp had been sharing for four years would no longer be theirs. They would be functioning semi-functioning members of society, living on their own, paying rent, paying taxes, and other adult type things. Would they be able to have these moments on each others' beds ever again? Everything was so bittersweet and he hated the feeling.

[Semper Capone]

Sage just knew me too well. He could see right through me and he knew that I was lying. I kind of expected him to know that, actually. I couldn't keep things hidden from him, but would I ever really want to? He was the one that was always telling me to never keep my emotions bottled up and that I could always talk to him about it, but I never wanted to burden him with my issues. The last time I kept it bottled, though, it was nowhere near as big an issue as this one, and I attacked Kaleb. I could only imagine what I'd do if I kept this one in.

"I'm glad you're m' best friend. I really am." I said quietly, though very sincerely. Sage has always been there since the very beginning and is always the one I turn to for anything. I could tell him anything and know that he wouldn't hold it against me, and vice versa for me. And I still loved him.... "I don't know what t' do... I've tried contactin' her, but she ain't answerin', so I dunno what I'm s'posed t' do. I don't..... y'don't think she ran off with someone, d' y'? Someone who can actually remember that he's engaged t' her, let alone remembers that he even knows her? Maybe... maybe...." My voice trailed off as I realized that I was being stupid. She had said it herself that she would've said yes if she didn't want to get married. Even though I realized this, there was still that nagging feeling in the back of my head that told me Chicago could do better than a freakishly tall hick that has such a thick accent that you can't understand and can't remember things he's known for years.

"I'm bein' stupid." I muttered, straightening up. I scooped up the spoon shards and set them on the nightstand. "I jus'...." I gave a small shrug, shaking my head slowly. "I jus' thought I was doin' somethin' good for once. I thought I had a chance. Start over sober. I can't help thinkin' I did somethin' wrong...."

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[Sage Amato]

I was glad that Semper was finally opening up to me about this thing. I knew he would, he always did, but I still couldn't help but feel a bit sad. I hated the way he talked about himself when he was depressed. He always thought things were his fault, but they weren't. He always thought there was something wrong with him, but he was so perfect in his own way it made me wonder why he even thought those things in the first place.

"Semp, Chicago loves you. When we talk about you it is so painfully clear that she loved you with everything she had. I would be willing to put money on the fact that she did not leave you for someone else. No one else is better, I promise." I knew from the beginning that I would lose to Chicago. When those two talked to me about each other, they were so obviously in love that it was just the matter of getting over the fear and accepting it. I knew that Semp and Chicago loved me, but it just was not the same.

I played with the bottom of his shirt as my mind continued to think. My best friend had been through so much and I just wanted to fix everything. I thought everything was going to be all better once he married Chicago, but now that she was gone, well, how was he going to take it. "Semp, you did nothing wrong. This was unexplained. No one could have expected this." There was a little part of me that almost wished that Chicago had run away with some other guy because...well, the alternative could have only been bad. I definitely didn't want to tell Semper that because he just would have freaked out...

[Semper Capone]

There was something about Sage that made me believe everything he ever told me, aside from after his fights with Chicago. I didn't like it when they fought.... but anyway, I clung to everything he told me. Even though I still felt like absolute shit about myself, I believed him.

The only thing I had problems finding any truth in is when he said that no one else was better. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of more perfect fellas for her; she just hasn't met them. I bet you there are buckets of other fellas that are more attractive than me, but again, she just hasn't met them. Kinda reminds me of when she was with Kaleb. She seemed so into him that it made me want to take a spork to my neck.

And again, Sage was right. Her departure was so unexpected that I was still in shock and didn't think that she was gone. I felt that if I walked across the hall to her room and opened the door, I would see her laying on her bed and studying for finals. My mind refused to accept the fact that she was missing without so much as a note or even telling anyone where she was going.

I couldn't take it. I needed to change the subject.

I felt my shirt moving and I didn't need to look down to know that it was Sage's doing. I didn't mind, really; he could do pretty much anything he wants to me and I wouldn't mind at all. Hell, we're pretty much brothers, and I loved it. We were partners in crime. He was always there to help me and give advice anytime I needed. He's the one that made me discover that I was bisexual. And the fact is, I still love him as much as I love Chicago. I think other people say that you can't be this much in love with two people at the same time, but they're wrong. Dead wrong.

"Whether y' believe m' er not, I still love you. Jus' as much as I love her. M' only problem is that I don't really know how t' show it t' another guy...." By now I was used to talking to Sage about things like this, so I didn't feel the least bit awkward about telling him that. Especially since it was true.

There, the subject was changed.

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[Sage Amato]

I continued to fumble with Semp's shirt. There was something about being next to Semper that just made me...calm. Maybe it was the fact that he was my best friend and I knew I could tell him anything, but that wasn't all. He was my brother as well. I would take a bullet for him and I know he would do the same for me without a moment of hesitation. However, that still wasn't it. I loved Semper Capone. I loved him with my whole heart and I never stopped. I knew that no matter what happened in the future, there would still be that part of me in my heart that loved Semp. Maybe that's why, even though Chicago was gone..missing, that I wasn't completely freaking out. I loved Semper and I knew that I had to be calm for him. Even though Chicago being gone was killing me inside, I had to pretend like she would be back in a couple of days so Semp wouldn't assume the worse.

Semp was right though. Chicago wouldn't just leave without letting us know or at the very least leaving a note. I was sincerely worried that maybe someone took her, but I couldn't think of that. My mind would latch on to the thought and it would get out of hand. It would be bad for my mental health not to mention to Semp's. Right now, Semper needed a rock. Someone to be there to tell him it will be alright and to hug him in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. Someone to take care of him after high school if Chicago did not return..

I was lost in thought when Semp spoke again. I stopped playing with his shirt and let it fall back in it's place. That just was not fair. It wasn't fair for him to say things like that because it made my heart do flips and filled my stomach with butterflies. It made my mind race to conclusions that would not come true. He was dedicated to Chicago and I couldn't pretend for a second that he would love me. "I love you too, Semp." My voice trailed off and I sat back up but avoided eye contact. "It wasn't easy for me either, at first. I don't know, there's just something about you that makes me want to love you." I lifted my head so I could give him a sideways smile.

[Semper Capone]

To hear from the son of the goddess of love and lust that it was hard for him to show love to another guy just didn't sound right. I'm pretty sure he knew how to show love, but that's all besides the point. Sage said that he still loved me, and..... and I felt like shit. I remember when Vince once asked me if I liked Sage or Chicago better; of course, I couldn't decide between the two, so I said, "I can't choose between two of my best friends." Then he said something along the lines of me having to choose one of them eventually.

And I guess I did, in a way.

I felt like I was putting Sage on the back burner by asking Chicago to marry me. I was so caught up in a whirlwind with her that I hardly saw Sage anymore. Though, part of that was due to the fact that his dad kept kidnapping him to New York, but aside from that. I felt like I had nearly almost turned my back on him completely, and I hated that. I didn't want to lose Sage over something like this. He was my best friend, my brother, my male lover, and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to have to choose between him and Chicago.

When he sat up and smiled at me, I tried to smile back, but all I could manage was a very small one that disappeared as soon as it appeared. Hell, I could hardly manage to hold eye contact with him for more than a millisecond. Sage has always been there for me, and there I was, putting him as a second thought when really I should have been thinking of him as much as I was of Chicago. I didn't want to only be able to find him when I needed him -- I wanted to go do things with him like best friends and brothers should: mudding, cow tipping, girl spotting, partying... But at the same time, I loved Chicago as much as I loved Sage. I wanted to be with both of them for the rest of my life, but that obviously can't work out. I couldn't marry both of them and I doubted the other one would want to live with us if I married one of them.

"I don't want t' choose between y' 'n' Chicago...." I began quietly, looking down at the messed-up covers on the bed and picking at a loose string. "'n' though it seems like I 'ave, I 'aven't. Vince once asked m' who I'd choose since he knew I loved both of y', 'n' I told 'im I couldn't choose between two of m' best friends. I still haven't, but I feel like I've been puttin' y' on the back burner like an afterthought, 'n' I feel like shit for it." I could feel the back of my eyes stinging with hot, salty tears, but I tried to fight and hold them back. Bottling up emotions was never a good thing for me, especially since I tended to have violent outbursts. I really didn't like crying, especially in front of people, but maybe that would be good for me so I wouldn't go out and wring someone's neck like I nearly did to Kaleb. I took a shaky breath, picking at the string with a trembling hand. "I can't choose between y' two.... I love y' both jus' as much as the other. I can't do it..."

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