--Never Before [SEMP]

[Sage Amato]

L O V E O F M I N E

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I stepped out of the shower and grabbed my towel, yes the one with ducks on it, and started to dry my body off. I tousled my hair with the towel looking at myself in the mirror just to see it fogged up. I used my towel to wipe away some of the fog and looked at myself in the mirror. Yeah, it seemed a little silly, but I had to check myself out. I needed to make sure everything was in check for tonight. Abs, looking good. Hair, well, that would dry. Eyes, yup, still blue. I wrapped my towel around my waist and walked into our room. Our room. Markus was out for the night like he usually was so that was good. Semp was on his way home. How I knew? Well, because tonight was supposed to be the day. The day Semp and I were actually going to....ah! Why the hell was I so nervous about this? I was the son of Aphrodite for gods sake! Sex was second nature me but not today. Right now I fumbled and tripped over my own feet to get dressed. The clumsiness was Semp's thing not mine. Ack, Semp! I could not think of him right now or I would get even more nervous than I already was. I opened the drawer next to my bed and opened the box of condoms there. I took a sharp breath in as the question popped in my head. Yeah, I had teased the guy several times that he was the girl in the relationship, but when it came down to it, who would be? There were so many questions that kept popping in my head that I didn't have the answers to. Unlike Semp, I was no virgin, but I felt as if this was my first time again. Which in a way it was since I have never ever done anything close to this with a guy before. A sigh escaped my lips. I laid back on my bed listening to my clock tick. Time never went by so slow.

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[Semper Capone]

Bell was staring straight at me; her large blue eyes watching my every move as though I were some experiment underneath her microscope. Her ear twitched, I quirked an eyebrow, and suddenly she flung herself at me, knocking me completely over onto the frozen ground. I let out a surprised yelp as she quickly laid down so that her head was on my chest, keeping me down where I was. The pain subsided in my back, numbed by the cold ground; I reached over and scratched Bell behind her ears, smiling as I heard her softly nicker.

Fucking hell, I wasn't ready for this. I had been questioning if I was bi for some time now, but it never actually crossed my mind that the first time I would have sex would be with a guy -- and not only that, but with my best friend. Not that I didn't trust Sage or anything, but this scenario had never crossed my thoughts. For me, I doubted being with a guy would be as awkward for me as it would be for him; I think he had been questioning his sexual orientation lately, if I remember correctly, but that still didn't change anything for us. Neither of us had experience in homosexuality, but there's a first time for everything... right?

Bell whinnied lightly, making me jump where I was laying. Damn, I hadn't realized how jump I was.... looking up at her, her large blue eyes were once again watching me, large ears perked forward, nostrils dilating every now and then. I rubbed her forehead, a slight tremor in my hand. "What am I gonna do?" I asked her quietly. "I like him more than I prob'ly should, but that's normal for a bi person... right? I mean, er... he's very good lookin'. I like his eyes the most..." Oh my Ripred, listen to me: I sound like an absolute idiot. Bell couldn't tell the difference in anything I was telling her, but everything I was saying was true. I did like Sage, I did like his eyes the most; the way the irises were so piercing that they seemed to just captivate you on the spot. I guess that had been what happened to me: I'd been caught by his eyes. Damn his Aphrodite genes.

Bell stood up as soon as I did and fallowed me back to the stable where I gave her a quick brush down, fed her, and put her up for the night. After that, well, if I didn't die of a heart attack by how fast my heart rate was, I was headed back to the dorm room. Thoughts were racing through my head as I climbed the stairs to the building, most of them leaving unanswered. How was this going to work out? Would instinct just kick in like a lot of people say? I sure as hell hoped so; I had no idea what I was doing.

For some reason I felt the need to open the door to the room very quietly, and so I did, keeping the damn thing from squeaking on its hinges. As soon as I entered the room and silently closed the door behind me, a familiar scent hit me: the same smell that fills the room after every time Sage takes a shower. I can't exactly describe the aroma to you, but it was a good scent. I always wondered how he managed to find such good smelling stuff.

When I turned around, there he was, laying on his bed and seemed to me like he was asleep, though I highly doubted he was. Ripred, oh Ripred; part of me just wanted to call the whole thing off, but this was all for discovery purposes, right? A chance for Sage to figure out his sexual preferences and eh... I don't know what it was for me. Just a chance to lose my virginity, I guess. Pushing the thoughts aside, I took off my boots and socks, setting them over next to my bed.

Ah, well. Here goes nothing.

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[Sage Amato]

L O V E O F M I N E

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My bed was nice and comfy and if I wasn't so nervous about the upcoming events I would have fallen asleep. Maybe that's why I always missed my morning beds. Note to self, invest in a new uncomfortable bed. Scratch that. Comfy bed is good for having sex on. Like I was going to have with Semper. Oh god. Saying it so bluntly like that pretty much made my heart skip a beat. "I'm going to have sex with Semper Capone, my best friend. Ho-ly shit." I was having a mini panic attack on my bed when I heard the door open ever so quietly. "Get a hold of yourself." I just needed to keep reminding myself that I was the son of Aphrodite. That I've had sex plenty of times before and that this was no different...except that Semper was a guy and my best friend and the fact that I actually had true feelings for the guy. Damn.

I didn't bother to move when Semper walked in. I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on his movements. He was talking off his shoes..maybe? That probably meant he was by his bed, unless he decided to put his shoes somewhere else which was totally possible. The guy had the knack to replace, well, almost anything. Had he even found his keys that he lost ages ago? AH! I shook my head attempting to clear my head. I did not need to be thinking about Semper's lost keys at the moment.

I took a deep breath and sat up at in my bed and looked at Semp. I flashed him one of my infamous smiles, except, to him at least, I actually meant it. I was truly happy that he was here with me and even though I was scared shitless for what we were about to do, I was happy that we were going to do it. I was happy that it would be me that was taking his virginity. I was happy that I was the first guy that he crushed on and that he was the first guy that I crushed on. I was happy. So why could I not stop shaking? [color=565051"Hey." Okay, that was lame. "Are you still okay to do this?" Yes, even though I was super happy/excited/scared to do this, I wanted to make sure that Semper had the same feelings. There was no way that I was going to pressure him into doing something that he would later regret. I loved the guy, but he was my friend first and I did not want to ruin that.

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[Semper Capone]

I didn't know if what we were planning to do was right, but I'd do anything for my best friend and he, of all people, knew I was weak willed; I couldn't say no to the people I loved. It was just my nature to try to give my friends anything they wanted, but I guess lately I haven't been living up to that. No, I shouldn't think about her -- not right now. Somewhere else, yes, but not here. Tonight it was just me and my best friend and I wasn't going to let depression get in the way of giving Sage what he had asked for. Though, now that I think about it, maybe this is all a sign that I was meant to be gay... I don't think fate particularly likes the bi people who can't make up their mind.

Once I set my shoes down I turned back to find Sage looking at me, smiling. Maybe it was just the dark or the fact that I couldn't see worth a damn, but it seemed that whenever he smiled his intense blue eyes just lit up like the night sky on the Fourth of July; I bet that was why I fell for Chicago so f-- no, I can't think about her right now! Ripred dammit, why was it so difficult to stop thinking about someone? I can only think of one reason, but... no. Not here. Not here. Not here....

"Are you still okay to do this?"

Was I really ready for this? To lose my virginity to my best friend... well, at least he isn't some drunk stranger; that I was thankful for. I honestly had no reason not to be okay with this, other than just being nervous, but there was still that quiet, nagging feeling of betrayal in the back of my mind. It was for Sage's sake I was doing this -- right?

"I have no reason not t' be." I answered quietly, trying to focus all my mind on Sage and only Sage: the intensity of his blue eyes; the way his obsidian black hair fell around his face; the snake bites underneath his lip. I didn't want to be unjust to him by having my mind elsewhere, so I trained my good eye on his face, examining every aspect of it. Before I knew it, though, I found myself heading over to him and bending down, pressing my lips against his.

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[Sage Amato]

L O V E O F M I N E

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I couldn't help but let my eyes roam over Semper. Oh Gods why was I so attracted to this guy! Maybe it was the way his hair was always slightly messy but in that perfect sex hair type of way. Maybe it was the way his eyes were always so soft and inviting. Maybe it was the way his lips curved in a smile and the way his collar bone teased from under his shirt that made me go crazy. But maybe, and probably the most important, was the way he acted towards me. The way he was my best friend and was always there no matter what. The way that he trusted me so much to tell me that he was bisexual and the way he trusted me enough to lose his virginity to me. Damn.

I observed Semper some more and noticed he wasn't quite..himself. There was something off that I couldn't really put my finger on. He didn't seem happy and there was no way I was going to go on with this when he wasn't feeling up to it. Yeah, he had said there was no reason for him not to go through with it, but I had to be honest with myself. His mind wasn't with me and what we were about to do.

Before I could protest, Semp had made his way over to me and placed his soft lips upon mine. Goosebumps instantly scattered my body and I would have gasped if my lips were covered with his. I brought a hand up to wrap around slowly around his neck so I could play with the hair on the base of his neck. I leaned into the kiss my whole body feeling ecstatic. There was only one person who could make me feel like this. Who could make my mind completely empty and my hands shake and make me break out in a nervous sweat all at the same time. And that was Semper.

I didn't want to pull away. Of course I didn't. I wanted to pull Semper down to the bed and I wanted to climb on top of him. I wanted to make out with my best friend on the bed and make him feel a feeling that he had never felt before. But no, I already knew this was not going to happen. I slowly pulled away looking up at Semper's eyes, my heart beating fast. "What's wrong?" My face was probably showing all sorts of signs of concern and heart break because though I would never admit it to him, my heart was breaking. I had wanted this secretly for so long and his mind was elsewhere. I felt as if he felt like losing his virginity to a guy like me was just something he could say that he did. When in all reality, I knew he would have rather been with Chicago right now. Kissing her lips and making love to her, not me. I had to face reality and that was that I was always going to be second best when it came to being loved. And that, that broke my heart.

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[Semper Capone]

All the times I had ever imagined kissing Sage, none of that compared to the actual thing. His lips were incredibly soft and it honestly surprised me how much I liked the feel of him against me. It sent unknown sensations to the extremities of my body, making me feel grounded on the spot. I could feel his hand on the back of my neck, intertwining with my hair, but as much as I hated to admit it, my mind just wasn't right with me. I loved Sage, probably more than I really should, but right now I just couldn't go on with this. Not right now.

I was both saddened and relieved when he pulled away, though when I looked down at his face, the concern written all over it was overwhelming. "What's wrong?" All he said was two words, but those two words just about broke me entirely. Should I tell him everything that's been going on? I can trust Sage -- I've trusted him for my entire high school career. I trusted him enough to tell him that I was bisexual, didn't I? So why couldn't I tell him what was going on between me and his sister?

I emitted a quiet sigh before pulling back enough to where I could sit beside him on his bed. For a few minutes I avoided eye contact with him, staring over at my side of the room where I had a block of cedar wood sitting on the nightstand beside my bed. Already there were large chunks taken out of the block since I had decided the other day that I would carve a swan out of it for Chicago. So far, though, that plan was on hold; maybe for a few weeks or possibly even a few years. It pained me to think that, but it was the truth and there was nothing I could do about it.

"I'm sorry, Sage." I said quietly, my tone full of regret. "I didn't want t' do this t' you." I leaned over and put my elbows against my knees, loosely clasping my hands together. "I shouldn't be so uptight about Chicago bein' with Kaleb, but I am.... I don't know why. I jus' want her t' be happy 'n' it seems like he makes her really.... really happy, so I don't want t' ruin it for her, but it hurts, y' know?" How I had caved so early was a mystery to me. Maybe it was because I shared everything with Sage... all my secrets, all my desires, everything. "I'm sorry... I jus' needed a moment t' vent."

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[Sage Amato]

L O V E O F M I N E

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I listened to Semper talk about his whole situation with Chicago, my sister. Though I usually liked being close to Semp, this was the one time I wanted my distance. I leaned back on the bed not wanting Semper to see me. I didn't want Semp to see my blue eyes water and I definitely didn't want Semp to see me wipe them away. I took a deep breath in while listening to my best friend talk about another girl.

It was hard having a crush on your best friend. Especially when your best friend was totally interested in some other girl. Especially when that other girl was your half sister, but your sister nonetheless. And I wanted to be there for Semp. I wanted to support him and tell him that she would come back to him. That Chicago would eventually realize he is the best thing that could ever happen to him and they would start to date and live happily ever after. I wanted to say all those things to him, but it was so hard to form the words when that is what I wished for myself and Semp. I let out a sigh.

"Trust me, Semp, I understand. It hurts so bad when the only thing you want in life wants something else. But all you can do is put on a happy face and just be thankful that at least that person is your friend. And sure, you'll be numb for a couple of weeks maybe months maybe even years, but you'll start feeling better slowly. Trust me." Sure, maybe I was being selfish. But what I said was true. Even if I was only talking from personal experience. I took a deep jagged breath in pushing back any emotion that might make me break and I sat up to face Semper.

"I'm here for you, okay? I hope you know that. And don't ever think that I don't want to hear what you have to say. I'm your best friend and that's what I'm here for." I gave him a sad smile knowing that was all I was going to be. I leaned back on my bed and closed my eyes. I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself. "Besides, it's obvious you and Chicago were meant to be." Yeah, you could say that was my version of a blessing whether I liked it or not.

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[Semper Capone]

I don't think I've ever been more depressed in my life. My mind felt like a hurricane of emotions, knocking me around in an emotional roller coaster and giving me a massive head ache. I felt like I was stuck between a massive boulder and a really, really, really hard place. I've never been in a situation like this before, so what was I to do? If only I could just be in two places at once...

I loved Chicago. I really did. There was no other girl in the world that I felt this same strong passion for and every time I hugged her or got close to her I got this warm fuzzy feeling like I just ate a kitten inside my core. She was always bubbly, energetic, outgoing, basically everything I wasn't. Not only that, but she was breathtakingly beautiful: her eyes were the color of the sky and her wavy hair was a black obsidian and just always seemed to frame her face perfectly no matter what style it was in. And her smile... oh Ripred. If that wasn't like a silver lining, I don't know what is.

And Sage... he's my best friend. Sure, he was like a foot shorter than me, but hey, he's fun-sized. I could always count on having a rip-snortin' good time with him whether we were causing trouble, like cat-napping Bear's kitten, or doing something sane, like mudding. Except... mudding isn't really sane, so I take that back. But you get my point. Even though we did all these crazy things together, I trusted him with my life. I told him all my secrets with the knowing that he'd keep them only to himself. It was especially terrifying to tell him that I was bisexual when I had figured it out and I almost didn't. The whole reason I told him, though, was because I had started thinking I was bi back when I first met him. His eyes, much like Chicago's, were like a piece of the sky had been trapped in his irises. His jet black hair shone stunningly in the sunlight and the snakebites under his lip made him appear mysterious; friendly, but with an edge to him. At first it had started out just as a quiet crush, but now it's developed to the same level of passion I had for Chicago, with whom I had also started out as friends with.

When Sage turned to look at me, I too turned, my only good eye looking straight into his intense and captivating blue ones, remaining there. Even in the dark, there seemed to be something glistening in them. I wasn't sure what, but now wasn't the time to worry about that.

Every single word that Sage said seemed so true. I knew I was just overreacting to the whole situation, but things would simmer down over time. I'd get used to seeing Chicago with Kaleb and soon it won't bother me at all. I could only hope that that day would come quickly; I couldn't deal with all this aching in my chest.

"I'm startin' t' think I'm not good enough for her," I admitted, straightening up briefly and turning my blank gaze back ahead, realizing what I had just said. All those times I'd spent trying to get to know her were futile. And there I was, thinking I actually had a chance. Pft. I'm so gullible.

I gave Sage a very faint and dry smile, shaking my head. "I doubt we were meant t' be." I told him, those very words feeling heavy in my mouth. "'n' I trust y' more than anyone else. Why else do I always bitch t' y'?" I emitted a very dry, emotionless laugh. "Did y' know that.... the whole reason I became bisexual was because of y'? Not in a bad way, of course... but day after day I found myself looking at y' 'n' eventually I realized that... I was in love with m' best friend." I paused. "'n' now it's got m' thinkin': do y' s'pose it's possible t' be in love with two people at the same time?"

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[Sage Amato]

L O V E O F M I N E

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"I'm startin' t' think I'm not good enough for her." Well, that did it. Sage wanted to Semper by the shoulders and just shake the crap out of him. He wanted to yell that it wasn't a matter of whether he was good enough for people but if people were good enough for him. He wanted to hug him and kiss him and cry and just hold him in his arms just so Semp could realize how valuable he was. Obviously, that son of Demeter was able to turn two children of Aphrodite from their whore-ish ways. He was able to make them fall in love with one person even if they did fall for the same guy.

Instead of smacking Semp silly, Sage cleared his throat and sat back up. He stared...almost glared..Semp right in the eye. He wanted to make his best friend happy. He wanted to see that light in him again that he loved so much. "Don't ever say you're not good enough for anyone or anything because you're the best thing that's ever happened to or the best thing that could happen to anyone else. You deserve the world. Don't doubt that.

Semper spoke and his words sunk in. Sage felt his face warm up and he was hoping that he wasn't blushing. Gah, would that be embarrassing! But really? Semp turned bi because of Sage. "I'm glad you trust me.." And he really was because Sage trusted Semper with his very being. There wasn't a thing Sage didn't feel comfortable telling Semp and he was just glad the feeling was mutual. "At least some feeling is mutual..."

"You know you made me question my sexuality. Not a bad thing either." Sage let out a tired laugh. It wasn't filled with the usual happiness, but a laugh nonetheless. "I mean, you told me you were bisexual and I just felt so...honored? I mean, that you told me. I don't know..it's just..you've been my best friend since I was a little freshman. It's kind of hard not to fall for you." Sage trailed off thinking about Semper's question. Could you be in love with two people at once? "...I think if you feel that you're in love with more than one person, then you are." Sage was satisfied with the answer even though he had no idea if it was true. Maybe he was just bullshitting the whole thing.

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[Semper Capone]

That was exactly the problem, though, what he was saying. All I've ever been is a friend; nothing more, nothing less; and how the hell does this make it so that I deserve anything? Fucking hell, this was so agonizingly frustrating. "That's the problem, though," I said wistfully, looking back somewhat submissively at him as he seemed to be glaring at me. "I do doubt that. I've done nothin' t' deserve anythin'. I don't see how there could possibly be any way that I, of all people, could be the 'best thing' t' ever happen t' anyone. There's nothin' special 'about me t' do that even remotely." Maybe I had said too much, but I didn't care. I had reached my breaking point and was now just pouring everything out to Sage. I usually don't like venting to people simply because I don't want anyone to have to deal with my problems, but at this point in time, I just really needed someone to tell this all to since journals don't ever talk back or give feedback.

I turned my one-eyed gaze away from Sage, bending over forward, elbows going on my knees and resting my temples on the heels of my hands; all I was seeing was a blurry image of my bare feet and the carpet. Damn, I don't think I've ever felt this discouraged about anything before. And come to think of it, I think it all started when I told Chicago I was bisexual. I see now why things never worked out.... I don't blame her at all. This is my fault. I screwed up any minuscule chance I ever had of being with her just because I told her I was fucking bisexual. How could I be so stupid? I trust her, that's why I told her. But some secrets are meant to be kept hidden, aye? Maybe this is one of those... some secrets just tear people's relationships apart, and I just fucked it all up. "Way t' go, Semp, you fuckin' bastard." I scolded myself quietly, hoping that Sage couldn't hear me. Fucking hell, I don't think I know anyone as dimwitted as myself.

I took my head off my hands, letting my forearms fall forward and go limp, my elbows staying where they originally were. I really didn't care that I was slouched over; I was so used to it because I had to look down at everyone, so obviously my posture wasn't going to be all that great.

If I couldn't trust Sage as much as I did, I don't know who I'd tell all these things to. Sure, there's Dream, and Vince, and Chicago, and Sassifrass, but in the end there's no one I feel that my secret is safer with than with Sage. No wonder I liked him so much...

It truly caught me off guard when he mentioned that I was the reason he had been questioning his sexuality. I turned to look at him curiously. I didn't want to question him, but I couldn't believe that I, of all people, made Sage Jay Amato, the son of Aphrodite, question his sexuality. I would've begged to differ that it's kind of hard to not fall for me, but I didn't say anything. I trusted him, so whatever he said, I believed...... everything but what he said about me deserving the world or being the best thing to happen to anyone. "I don't know why I'm havin' such a hard time believin' what you're tellin' me. I trust you -- I love you -- but I don't know why I can't get it." My tone was a lot calmer, but still just as agonizingly frustrated. I turned to look back ahead of me and glance down at the floor every now and then, absentmindedly tapping my pointer fingers against each other just to distract myself even a little bit.

"I really do think I'm in love with two people..." I added quietly. Hopefully he knew who those two people were. "I jus' don't know what t' do 'bout it. I love them both more than anythin' on Earth, but I don't want t' have t' hurt one by choosin' one above the other..."

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